Castiel: an Angel of the Lord
by BrokenDream83
Summary: I disobeyed to orders and I know I will pay for it. It was worth it? I don't know... I'm confused and now .... I know what is the fear"
1. Fallen

**Disclaimer**: This is the translation of my fan fiction about Supernatural's character Castiel. I don't own Supernatural or its characters.

**Author's Notes:** A special thanks to **Bebe5** for having corrected my errors.

* * *

I did it.

I rebelled and I fell

Not entirely of course, I still can do a lot of those "angelic stuff" as Dean calls them, but now it's done.

The Archangels are hunting me, and also Dean. I'm afraid they'll manage to catch me.

The Angels have taken Anna back, and I have no idea where they have brought her and if I will see her again.

I'm confused, dazed.

Raphael has cut me to pieces, cut to pieces Jimmy's body and sent me so far away that I don't have any memory.

Still I'm here, body and soul.

Who did it? I think it had been my father, God, but Raphael... Raphael insinuated the doubt in my mind.

If it had been.. Lucifer?

Oh no, please Lord, tell me where you are, give me a sign of your presence.

We're seeking you, Dean is helping me but I feel he doesn't believe that it was you the one who brought me back on Earth.

And Dean is not an ordinary human.

I'm afraid Father, and I'm so much confused: I'm feeling emotions, and this hurts me.


	2. Are you there God? It's me, Castiel

God, God, God.

How many times I invoke, I pray, I beg you?

But I can't hear your voice: what's happened my God?

They said you are dead ... Raphael repeated it strongly.

But God can't die! Father, I need to know if you are there and if you can hear me.

My Lord, I disobeyed but only because the orders were ... wrong.

I am a soldier, a soldier of God: please, command me Lord: I will obey.

But those orders were wrong. Only from you I can receive orders and from no other.

And this makes me a deserter? A traitor? God, are you angry with me?

I don't want feel these sensations, they hurt me.

I suffer: the emotions I can perceive are all painful.

Fear, confusion and. ... anger. Perhaps they are Jimmy's emotions and I think they are mine.

Yes, it must be so, I'm confused because Jimmy is conscious.

Who I want to kid? The truth is otherwise:

Two souls are suffering in this body.

God help me, only you can do it: raise me from this pain.

Are you there God? It's me, Castiel. Your son.


	3. Inside my mind My vessel

In my mind: is there the problem.

My thoughts often are in conflict with Jimmy's thoughts.

I am really sorry for him, I took him away from his family ....

Oh God, another feeling: I feel guilty.

Damn! What is happening to me? Am I becoming human?

It's not possible, the Angels are never born, we were created by God, we were not generated.

Jimmy's memories and thoughts humiliate me, disturb me.

He thinks of her daughter and he's afraid for her.

His daughter is like him: special.

She is a vessel and maybe one day it will be asked her to accept a creature like me.

Don't you do it my darling, your father does not want it and ... I also don't want it.

I have trapped your father forever, or at least until I will manage to survive.

I took off him everything: home, family, work: it was my fault if he died and resurrected several times.

His body has been cut into shreds, and he was there to suffer with me .

Forgive me, Jimmy. I know you can hear me more than what happened before my rebellion.

I know you miss your daughter and your wife ... and I am sure they miss you.

You are a good man, you accepted to be my vessel even though I asked you everything.

Maybe I was punished for this: now I suffer with you.

Sometimes I seem to be your vessel.


	4. It's not funny, Dean

I begin to be seriously worried: every day there's something that changes in me.

I try to resist, to oppose, I say to myself: What are you doing?

Yet in the end, despite my powers I .... laugh!

Dean is an idiot, he says very dirty sentences, dirty jokes about women

And what do I? I disappear from his sight and I laugh.

It is not normal, because before falling I wasn't able to understand his jokes.

Instead now he makes me laugh: I can hear Jimmy's laughters and I laugh with him.

And I understand double meanings, while before I did not know what they were.

I don't want that Dean sees me laughing, I don't know if it is self esteem or shame.

So I go away, and I burst out laughing.

Furthermore I started to say dirty words ...

They go out of my mouth without thinking about, they are simply .... spontaneous.

It's not my vessel, poor man, it's me.

On the contrary, I can hear that Jimmy is amazes of my transformation. And then he laughs.

Of all the feelings that I feel and that I had never experienced

this is certainly the most beautiful.

I know I sinning, to find pleasant licentious and vulgar words.

But I don't do it intentionally: I'm losing control of me.

Or maybe I'm just becoming more ..... human

The fact is that when I say - It's not funny,Dean. -

actually I'm lying: I enjoy to death.

God would be not happy but I can not resist ...

And Dean does it on purpose.

He says bullshit and then looks at me carefully and ...

Bullshit? Have been I to say it? Good God, where have I learned it?

What a question: I hear Jimmy giggle but it's not him.

It's Dean, he's the guilty! He's a bad teacher!!

Dean, you're an idiot. But I am happy to have pulled you out from hell:

You're a funny idiot and I need to laugh.


	5. Out of control

I can't believe it.

I am attracted by women. Castiel, an angel!

I mean, this is Jimmy's body, and before he became my vessel, was a normal man .... who slept with women.

To sleep with women. Good God, help me.

I was saying, it is normal that this body is attracted by the body of a woman.

It is not normal that I am.

I'm ashamed, but I must confess that I am very interested to women I meet on the street.

Humans have always fascinated me , it has always been my problem, even when I was not on the Earth.

For men, the interest is remained the same, I still do not understand them.

... But the women... the women confound me, they make me go into crisis.

It is not their fault, they don't guess that I am not what I seem.

It's not their fault if when they pass by my side,

their scent makes me feel the irresistible desire to touch them.

Yesterday a woman smiled at me:

I blushed.

You laugh Jimmy, but I should not blush, I'm an angel!

Yet it happens, because this body is yours, but the emotions are mine.

The only solution would be to avoid meeting.

Maybe when I'm with Dean and we do something supernatural.

Wrong answer.

What has Dean done? Took me in a brothel!

And I was agree, this is the problem. I was interested in the idea of going to bed with a woman.

Well, I really thought that Raphael would have smashed me: why not?

I had never seen so many beautiful women, and all together.

All of them looked at us with lustful eyes.

I was going crazy.

I believe that my angelic side would run away.

The human one could not wait for .....

Oh my God

Jimmy was embarrassed.

In last fifteen years, had slept only with his wife.

I remember little of what's happened after,

except that she took my hand and Dean gave me some money.

I was shocked, but I was losing control of me.

However, while this beautiful woman was trying to undress me ...

I thought of Anna.

I guess I was pale*, because she asked me what it was wrong.

Could I tell her I was imagining this situation with another woman?

I still have few power, and I used them: I said something about her father, and she has got angry.

She was right.

What's so funny, Dean? You are used to sleeping with women, but I'm not.

We don't have sex, in all meanings.

I'm still shocked, Jimmy's body has reacted to my desires.

But I didn't want this woman.

I wanted Anna.

* * *

* I think it is not correct, but I was not able to find better words, sorry :(


	6. Pure energy

The Angels have no gender.

We are not made of flesh and blood, we have no organs of any kind.

We are incorporeal entities, pure energy.

Though, it's not so simple ...

We are pure energy .... but we are not all identical.

I do not know how to explain it, but we can feel this difference.

We are all soldiers, without distinction. ...

But we're different energies.

Our legions are made up of thousands of Angels. Tides of winged soldiers, strong and fearless ....

All supernatural creatures, incorporeal, without gender. ...

But this energy .. this force .... is not equal for all us.

We, immortal and powerful angels ....

We are divided in masculine and feminine energy ....

There is not a visible difference as it is for humans.

We don't have beard or round hips, breasts or deep voices.

But this does not prevent from feeling us ... different.

And we recognize each other for how we perceive ourselves.

For example, I always perceived myself as male energy ...

How could I know? It works as for humans: I knew it, and that's all.

So when I saw her, thousands years ago ..... I felt she was female ....

We fought together, side by side ,both soldiers of God, but different in many ways. ....

She, so attracted by the Earth .. by humans ... by their lives....

And I, so faithful to the Lord, so attached to my Heavenly Existence ...

So one day, she decided to come down to Earth ...

leaving her immortal life to incarnate as a human being.

He asked me to follow her, she wanted me fall with her.

But I refused, not wanting to leave my Home, my Family.

She went away, leaving the Heaven .... leaving me.

I found her here, incarnated in the body of a woman.

A beautiful woman, sweet .... sensual.

Castiel, **enough**: you're just an angel who occupies the body of a human being.

It's true, but she was a feminine energy that now is in the body of a woman.

I am a masculine energy in the body of a man.

Up there in Heaven, we had a special bond, what it could happen now?

Two incorporeal entities incarnated in two human beings.

Yes, I'm an Angel who occupies the body of a man.

But day after day, I feel that this body is becoming mine.

I don't need to eat or drink, but is pleasant.

With me, this body does not need to sleep, but sometimes ....

sometimes I lie down and I slip into a quiet languor.

I'm not a funny Angel but, dammit, sometimes I laugh about trifles!

I never had ... a woman, but I think about it often.

And if this thought, this sinful desire joins itself to the thought of her .... I seem to die.

When I saw her again.. when I recognized her ... this heart is jumped... because it reacts to my feelings.

To my emotions.

When she put her hand on mine, I felt the chills.

Oh my God, I was not fallen yet, how could I have these feelings?

I'm lost.

Where are you Anna? I would like to see you ...I would ....

I want Anna, I want her desperately.


	7. What will become of me?

If I were a human, I would be a bad sample.

Yes, because with everything that is happening and will happen very soon

What am I doing?

Obviously I think about my personal problems.

And the really bad thing is that I, a heavenly creature,I should not have personal problems.

Maybe I am evolving in the way Dean said me.

During his journey into the future, he met me.

But he would not tell me anything about, saying only: "Don't change. Never".

I did not ask for anything .... initially.

But then .. damn!... I was curious to know what I would become.

Well, Dean told me that I will be ... human!

Now I wanted to know everything, and unfortunately Dean told me everything.

Well, it seems that I will be a impostor, a kind of drugged guru

And that I .... Oh my Lord ... .. I will deceive poor naive girls for ...

go to bed with them .. apparently with more than one at a time.

I will lose any power, I will be just a man.

Dean said that the future Cas will be more likeable, even funny.

But desperate, angry and disappointed. I'll feel vain, empty.

I will be a drug-addicted for don't think about nothing.

And I will go to bed with as many women as possible ...

knowing that it will be a matter of days, and I will die ... killed by something infernal.

Or by Lucifer, maybe.

I reacted badly to this story.

I got up from the chair and I told him that I would never become so.

And I went away, disappearing in a puff of wind.

Actually this story hurts me.

Yes, sometimes I feel hurt. And scared.

I don't want to be like that, I don't want to lose my Grace and falling into the abyss of desperation.

But I fear it is a matter of time: I rebelled to the Heaven.

I know they'll not let me keep my Grace for flutter hither and thither

I'll be punished, heavily.

The future Castiel will be a sad man overwhelmed by events.

Maybe... maybe the future Castiel will not be desperate for his human condition

maybe, he will drown his pain and his frustration in every kind of vice

even for something that nobody knows except him.

I didn't have the courage to ask Dean

but if she were been with us ... with me ... he would certainly saw her .

Anna was not there, I'm sure. And there will never, I will never see her again.

I would had to protect her, and I didn't. And now she's not there

I am sentenced to a sad and short life.

Without her.


	8. Can you hear me Cas? It's Jimmy

**Author's notes**: _I really don't like ask for reviews.. but if you like my work.. please tell me... I'd like it_ ^_^

* * *

That's enough.

Seriously Cas, stop it with this self-pity.

What should I say?

I had a beautiful life, a wife who loved me and a wonderful daughter.

What have I got now? You.

You, immortal creature of God, you've not only took possession of my body

but also of my life.

And if you'd leave my body, I'd die on the spot: I got shot, remember?

Okay, you like women: so what?

I understand that it may upset you, but it's not appropriate to exaggerate.

You stress me: do you know? You're right when you say that I can hear

more than what was happened "before",

so I can tell you that you are really stressful.

Your doubts, your fears, your temptations: do you know that humans do and think about very worst things ?

Are you destined to become one of us?

Accept it, because I suspect that it will be like that.

I don't think angels like Zacharia will leave you alone: you disobeyed orders.

Maybe they will kill you, or they will take off all your powers and you'll become an ordinary man.

So what?

It's not so awful be a human, trust me.

Of course, we don't swoop in people's houses risking to kill them by an heart attack

but it's nice to eat, sleep, laugh, even get angry.

Not to speak about love ....

You don't fool me Cas, I know you like humans

and you're not so terrified of the idea to being one of us.

You afraid of what you could do if you were a human.

You know buddy, I have the feeling that you'd be a bit more serious version of Dean.

That's why you like Dean: after all, you'd like to be like him.

Well, do not be offended but you've already started talking like him.

Accept what Fate wants for you, Castiel

and stop to think about all these useless problems.

I'm going away Cas.

Yes, I leave my mortal remains and I go in Heaven.

I have no idea what I will find, I believe there is a bit of unrest there.

But it's time to go for me. It makes no sense occupy a body

that I will never use again.

Just ... don't mistreat my body too much. I know that you can regenerate it as you want

but if you could prevent from bumping it against the walls, I'd appreciate it.

If .. you will see my wife .. or my daughter ....

tell them that I loved both so much and that I will continue to do so from Paradise.

Say thanks to Dean and Sam for trying to protect me and my family.

Goodbye Cas, I go up to see what it happens there.

P.S. _If you think about her so much, if you miss her so much to divert your attention from the impending Apocalypse... _

_Seek her, idiot!_

_Don't give up with seeking God, it is important: we need Him_

_But seek her too: because you need her._

_I promise that if I'll meet her, I'll tell her that you are looking for her._

Goodbye.

**Jimmy Novak**


	9. Why have you left me? I'm not ready!

It's not possible.

It can't be happened, this can't happens.

Jimmy is gone away.

Just like that, without my realizing. I could not do anything to stop him.

I remember hearing a voice in my head.

- _We have to talk_ - yes, it said like that.

I have not even had time to answer that .... I fell down to the ground.

Unconscious or asleep, I don't know.

I must have banged against something because I woke up with a cut on my forehead.

It hurts. And I feel dizzy.

it is already happened that I fell asleep, but I never dreamed before.

In my dream, there was Jimmy. It was like talking to a mirror.

I saw my vessel that was talking to me, he had the appearance that I have now.

Jimmy has scolded me. Yes, I have been scolded by my own vessel.

How dares he? Who does he thinks he is?

What does he know who I am or what think beings like me.

He is just ... a tin of meat!

He has no idea what it means to be eternal or having to fight against the Evil and its followers.

He is just a weak human, insecure and easily corruptible.

Not me, I am strong, eternal and immortal ...

I am an Angel of the Lord.

Okay, I think I had a kind of hysterics.

Dean would doubled up with laughter*: even he understands not much of what I really am.

And I? Do I really know what am I? Up there I was sure: here no more.

In Heaven there was just God for me. And my brothers and sisters.

What am I now? A corrupt Angel? A special human being?

A freak?

Jimmy's soul is gone: how could this happen?

His body is not dead, his heart never stopped beating.

He left his body and went away, how did he?

You'd not have to do it, Jimmy.

You had to stay here with me and instead you went away and left me as gift this flesh and these bones.

I'm not ready for this, I don't want this.

I don't want become that desperate and useless man of the future!

My God ... it this my destiny? Is it my punishment for having rebelled?

Raphael was right to cut me in pieces , and I'd have to remain so.

I don't know why I came back and if has been my Father to do so, but for me come back on the Earth

is like a punishment.

I feel weird, damn! What is happening to me?

What will happen now?

I'm afraid, and I feel lonely.... I am damn lonely.

Forgive me for everything Jimmy, for the pain I've caused you and others have caused to you for my fault.

I promise that I will try to avoid being slammed against the walls.

But I fear that it will be very difficult to avoid.

Goodbye Jimmy, I'll miss your insistent voice.

I hope you're already among the good souls.

_If you see her, tell her that_ .... but what am I doing?

**No, don't tell her anything. **

Goodbye.

* * *

**Author's Notes:** Dean would doubled up with laughter: I hope it is the right sentence!


	10. Castiel! Help me my love

**Author's Notes**: This time is not my beloved Castiel to talk..... but is Anna! Let's see what she thinks and what she feels ...

* * *

_Where am I? Where have they took me?_

_It is an empty room, with blinding white walls._

_I'm scared._

_I don't know what they will do, if they will leave me live or will destroy me._

_Why Castiel did not defended me?_

_Why does he behaves like this?_

It is as if he doesn't remember, or doesn't want remember.

_But up there, we were something special._

_With my Grace, I recovered many memories that the oblivion of the incarnation had erased_

_We loved each other._

_No, not as two humans, for us it would have been impossible to love in that way._

_But it was love, a special sentiment that united us._

_All of us loved each other, we are brothers and sisters._

_But between me and Castiel ... was different._

_Or at least it was for me._

_I loved him. Yes, I loved him._

_An exclusive feeling, unique. Just for him._

_I asked him to come on the Earth with me._

_We would become human and we would lived together._

_But he refused: he had not the courage to leave the Heaven and follow me to live our love._

_Maybe not loved me as I thought._

_Even now, he allowed them to take me away._

_He did not say a word._

_Don't you care about me, Cas?_

_But I ... I love you._

_Like a woman loves a man._

_If Castiel would hear me, he would reproach me and it would be right._

_But I can't help it._

_Perhaps I have been a human for too long._

_When my Grace returned painfully in me, I remembered everything._

_And when I looked into his eyes after this painful reconquest, I felt my heart throb quickly._

_He was ... Castiel!He was my Castiel! Finally I have found him._

_What a pain know he is against me._

_How sad to see that he repulses me._

_What a disappointment to discover that he does not tolerate even the touch of my hand_

_Now that finally I can touch him!_

_Yes, that body belongs to his vessel._

_But inside that body there is the essence of Castiel, his strength._

_His energy, his soul._

_Now Castiel is within the warm body of a man._

_I would hug him. To feel his arms around me is everything I've always wanted._

_But he repulses me, does not want to forgive me. And I'm afraid he never will._

_How sad to realize that his job was to punish me._

_But he didn't it. He could have punish me on many occasions, but has not done it._

_Maybe our ancient feeling is still in him. Maybe ... Castiel loves me._

_Oh.... but if were so he would not let me go._

_He would not allowed them to take me off, or at least he would try to defend me._

_Oh Lord.... forgive this daughter._

_I'm afraid here._

_It's a strange place, and I can't get out._

_I try with all my strength to get out of here, but my powers are gone away._

_I don't want die. I want this damned Apocalypse is stopped. ..._

_And I want to be with him, finally._

_Castiel!_

_Castiel! Can you hear me?_

_Please, if you hear me ... help me! Don't leave me here .... Come get me!_

_Come to me, Don't let them kill me! We have so many things to live, Castiel!_

_Help me!_

_Help me my love ....._

* * *

_**2nd author's notes:** Please... if you readers (is there anyone?) find some mispelling or whatever wrong word.. please send me a mex in my Inbox! _


	11. You've broken my heart!

I am an ungrateful.

A bloody ungrateful.

I wonder why .. Why have I not done anything?

She saved my life, without her, Uriel would killed me.

And I have not even tried to avoid it.

I have stood by while they took her away.

_Oh Cas, you know why. _

_Come on, have courage to say it. _

_Say why you did not lift a finger to prevent them to taking her away_

_Did you want to punish her, didn't you Castiel ? Oh yes_.

Yes, I wanted ... punish her.

Not because she has disobeyed for falling on Earth.

I wanted punish her because she has left me.

Because she preferred to become human, she preferred come in this wicked world ... rather than be with me up there.

Oh Lord .... forgive me, God.

Who am I to bear a grudge? How dare I arrogate to myself this right?

Yet it is so: I felt resentment towards Anna.

She had abandoned me.

She had left me, me that I had always been faithful

She was my superior and I was loyal to her.

I obeyed the orders and I was by her side all the time.

This was not enough, it was nothing for her if she preferred to lose everything and fall.

Oh no, the faithful Castiel was not enough.

And she rushed onto this desolate valley, captive of a ephemeral body .

I admired Anna. She was strong, tenacious. Extraordinarily bright.

If I were a human I would say that ... .. I was in love with her.

But it's foolish, because neither I nor Anna were humans.

Even now, I am not human.

But I think it were something very like to the love ...

Because it was unique, and I felt it just for her.

Hey, what the hell am I saying?

I must be crazy: am I talking about love? Between angels?

How can I only think of a thing?

_Perhaps because is it true? _

Fantastic, now I have a inner voice.

And it's not Jimmy, since he's gone.

Honestly, I don't know what it was.

I can't explain not even to myself

what it was that bound us more than what happened with the other angels.

More of what, I fear, was lawful.

When she left, I felt.... anger.

Sorrow.

Go out from the Host of Heaven to become mortal. Why?

No, it was beyond my understanding, and still it is.

How you can prefer a short life, often full of physical and spiritual pain

instead of a eternal life, glorious and powerful?

How can you choose the Earth in place of the Heaven?

Oh sure ... I remember what Jimmy said before he fly away from his body.

Eat, sleep, and ... love.

Why? There was not love in Heaven?

God is love.

All of us brothers we loved each other.

I .... I loved her.

_Yes, Castiel, say it. _

I loved Anna.

And I'm sure she knew it. She felt it.

But she left, leaving me there alone with my regret.

Since then something is changed in me ....

Her abandon marked me.

She asked me to go with her, but I refused.

And I don't know if it was just afraid of the wrath of the Lord

or if I was afraid ... of myself.

Few months into the body of a man and I am changed so much

that sometimes I don't recognize myself.

Few months close to Dean and I started talking like him.

What would I be, if I had lived on Earth

without knowing who I really am?

No, I didn't want become human. My place was there in the Heaven.

In the Host of God

It was also Anna's place, she'd not have to go

She'd not have to leave her home

her family.

She'd not have to abandon me.

How could you, Anna? How could you leave me?

You have hurt me. Deeply.

You think I am without emotions, but unfortunately it is not true.

I suffered for your treason.

And the worst part is that ... I felt betrayed.

When I saw you anew, even if you had not your grace,

I was happy. I was really happy ... I told you.

But you did not believe me.

You said that I was not sorry punishing you. Oh Anna ..

If only you'd know how I was sorry.

But then, moments later, I saw something that has hurt me ....

I saw you kissing Dean.

Have you been together, have you? Yes, I understood immediately.

I'm not experienced of these things but I can recognize the signs

You given your body to Dean.

Dean has got what the Fate denied to me: you.

The jealousy pierced me.

I felt it so loud and so clear that you cannot be wrong:

I was jealous.

So, I felt resentment towards Anna. Again.

So yes, for a moment I was not sorry punishing her.

So, when those angels took Anna,I have not done anything to save her.

Oh God ... what have I done? It was revenge?

Do I suffered so much for her abandon to seek revenge?

I didn't want this Anna, oh no.

All I wanted was fight by your side, as immaterial entities.

Why have you come down on Earth? Are you happier now? Is it so nice to "feel"?

Oh Anna .. it's terrible. More and more.

Every day I can feel something more. A thought, a memory ...

and I feel my heart tighten.

I am an ungrateful: for jealousy and resentment I left them take Anna.

My Anna.

I watched Anna dematerialize before my eyes, and then I cried.

For the first time in my entire millenial life.. I cried like a man

Why have you left me, Anna? Was you not happy in Heaven with me?

I was happy. Then you left, and everything's changed.

Like now, you're not here and I'm sick.

Something is wrong with me: I know, I feel it.

I loved Anna.

Maybe ... .. I still love her.

But it's something different and this scares me.

It's foolish, wrong .. but I'm afraid to love her like a man loves a woman.

What have you done to me, Anna? I always think of you.

Where are you?

You have broken my heart.


	12. Thank you, Claire

Claire is likeable.

Though I don't know if I understand the real meaning of "likeable".

Uriel was considered likeable, but for me he was not.

Besides, he tried to slay me.

Anyway, for me that girl is likeable.

She says funny and clever things.

I suppose Claire is alike to her mother, because I remember Jimmy like a serious man.

_Look who's talking!_

It is different: in a way, I am obliged to be serious.

I was anxious, I did not know how she would responded.

But all is gone quite well.

Well, initially she was unfriendly: who wouldn't?

Then she is softened. She have a disarming purity.

Just like Jimmy, and this have destroyed him.

If he were been less pure, less God-fearing and obedient

now he would be alive, and with his family.

Instead there is me. Sometimes I stop to listen my thoughts

hoping to hear him blether his usuals:

enough with self-pity - take action! - I know you are lying

Well, maybe Claire has something like his father:

She has the same verbal force.

To sit down among neurons is awesome.

I don't know.. I feel... comforted? Satisfied?

Happy.

It will not last long, I know. Soon I will begin to torment myself with my usuals negative thoughts.

But for now, I'm happy. Claire made me happy.

She is delicious, the first human being who shows me affection.

To me? Castiel the soulless bastard?

(I think to be a bit touchy, I can't get it out of my head.)

Yes, she has been affectionate with me.

When she told me to have understood my little trick,

I felt an idiot.

It was obvious she would not believe that I was his father.

I mean, this is his body, but is soul is gone away.

Anyway she pretended to believe, for a little. And made me a gift.

This little box is very useful.

Dean still talks about that "asshole who was laughing at the phone, causing him losing of time.

He does not suspect that I was the "asshole".

Sam does. He looked at me carefully and then hinted a smile.

I pretended to be indifferent, but I think Sam has understood.

I'm really happy to have met Jimmy's daughter, last time was gone bad

She is very beautiful, except her eyes, does not look like his father.

Well, obviously she is a vessel, like Jimmy.

I hope she will listen to me if one day some of my brothers will ask her to make him room in her mind.

I feel like I killed Jimmy, even if it is not so.

She must live, far from all that.

Now I undestand why Jimmy loved Claire so much: she is a wonderful girl.

It must be nice have a child, I will never have.

Sometimes, I will think of Claire and I will pretend she is my daughter.

_Do you realize to be mad, do you? _

I'm really sorry for Amelia, so young and already widow.

She will never forgive me.

Claire will, maybe.

Maybe I will meet her again.

Not for Jimmy, for me.


	13. Am I crazy? I hear your voice!

No, it can't be true.

It is just my imagination.

Yes, it's like that, my remorse makes me hear inexistent voices.

Probably Anna is dead.

They have wiped Anna out by Earth and by Heaven.

They have destroyed her body.

Cas, you cannot think of Anna's body. It is indecent!

Yes, they have killed her, and when they will manage to lay their hands on me, the angels will destroy me. Again.

At least this time, Jimmy will be not here to suffer.

Though... no, it cannot be.

I'm stressed out, that's all.

Thousands years in the Heavens and I was fine.

One year on the Earth, and my nerves are in shreds. Well, I have been literally "in shreds".

Horrible scene: Chuck still has nightmares.

I have started to speak like humans.

And, this is the worst part, I have started to think like them.

Lastly, now I hear the voices. And it is not Jimmy.

I got the strong feeling to hear Anna screaming my name

I heard her calling me, asking for my help.

How is it possible?

I must have imagined it

I'm sure that those ..... (I was about to insult them)

have killed Anna as they vanished to my sight: those were our orders.

Right from the start, we had to kill her.

I would have preferred kill myself.

Except then suffer a violent attack of jealousy.

_You are digressing, Cas. Why?_

Damn! I heard her calling me!

Do I hear something does not exist?

Is it possible that this void I feel makes me hear her voice?

_**Castiel, please help me! Come and get me**__!_

I heard this: could I have imagined such a call for help?

Yes, I have.

If she were alive, she would call Dean, not me.

_Ha-ha Castiel. Have we reached the point?_

Well, Anna is still an angel on Earth, and she has given herself to a man, Dean.

Yeah. Is this what hurts you, isn't it?

Are you outraged because an angel has gone to bed with a human,

or because Dean has got what you never had?

Both them.

Oh God.

Yes, I'm mad, and I have imagined to hear Anna's voice

Wait.

**Shit.**

I heard her again. Anna is asking for my help.

Where is she?Where did they take her? Why is she still alive?

Is it a trap?

Like those legends about marine creatures who attract men.

What is their name? Oh yes, sirens.

Who should be to catch me into a trap? Lucifer?

Zacharia, to punish me?

_No, Castiel. __You know it._

It is Anna.

She is alive and I knew. I felt it.

I don't know what to do. She is captive somewhere.

I can't reach her.

I have been kicked out of Paradise.

If it is really Anna, I can't help her.

Don't call me Anna, I can't reach you.

Why do you call me?I have mistreated you.

Why do you ask for my help?

Don't do it, I cannot help you.

_Why in your opinion, Anna invokes your help?_

_You perfectly know why she is calling you._

I don't know, and I don't want to know.

Forgive me Anna, I can't.

I need to drink.


	14. I wanna live

It is a disaster.

Everything is going extremely bad.

Dean, Sam and I: no one of us can do something.

No one can stop the Apocalypse.

The devastation is increasing day by day, and the World falls on its knees.

I wonder if humans are able to understand what is happening.

I'm afraid not, because humans are accustomed to ruin.

Earthquakes, tsunamis, epidemics, violence and murder.

It is normal, for them.

They have always seen their world crumble.

They don't guess that this time it will not raise again, because it can not defend itself from the Apocalypse.

My God, where are you?

I did not stopped looking for you but I don't know what to do.

Help us my Lord, don't forsake us.

Don't let the world be destroyed by evil.

I disobeyed, and for that I have been kicked out from Paradise.

But I have not stopped loving you, Father.

I know, I don't deserve anything, but please,

I beg you Lord, give me a sign of your presence.

_God is angry with you, Cas. He will not respond you_.

If he is angry with me, why have I been brought back to life?

Don't to tell me it has been Lucifer, because I will never believe it.

What can I do for him? Lucifer has many followers.

I am only half angel poised between the supernatural and humanity.

_Yeah, you're right, Cas. And what could you do for God? _

God is my father. That should be enough to explain. ...

No.

Not so simple.

It is not enough to explain why he took me back to life.

It's just that I ... I want to believe it has been him. I need to believe it.

Because God cannot die, it is not possible.

Yes, all ones who say he is dead, are wrong.

God is alive.

He is there somewhere, and I will find him.

I can't believe he's dead.

I can't.

He's alive.

He will not let His children die. He will not let the world is destroyed.

God loves all of us.

He will not let innocent people die because of evil.

God, please. Lord, don't allow life goes away from this world.

I shudder at the thought that the world can be destroyed. I don't want people die.

Dean or Sam or Bobby can't die.

I don't want that Claire die, or her mother.

I don't wanna die.

Even if I will be just a little and sad human being, one of the most useless human in the world.

I wanna live.

And when I act as if I don't care about, I'm lying.

Even when I feel confused and frightened, even when I suffer and I feel depressed or angry: I want to live.

But I know that in one way or the other I will die.

Maybe killed by other angels who want to punish me or killed by Lucifer ...

Just I hope I don't see them dying before my eyes.

Maybe I will never understand them, but they are my friends.

_Even though they have unleashed the Apocalypse? _

Yes, because they did not know to kick off the end.

They are my friends.

_Be honest, Cas. ... _

And I wanna live also to see her again.


	15. Soulless Bastard?

**A/N:** I think it is not correct, it has been a difficult chapter to translate. I hope you will understand what I meant.

* * *

Why it makes me feel so badly?

I'm exaggerating.

Many months have passed since then, but I cannot forget it.

Dean called me "soulless bastard".

And this hurts me deeply.

He did it more than once, and more than once I felt humiliated.

How can you tell an angel "you are soulless"?

We are made of soul!

Does he think that the souls of humans are created in a different factory?

Does think that the ingredients are different?

Absolutely not!

The angels are armed souls!

Soldiers of God, but still souls!

And my soul has always been different.

It changed color, taking on different shades.

Anna told me: "_Sometimes you look like a rainbow_."

Anna.

Soulless? Oh, I would like.

I would not feel anything, but the more time passes, the more I feel oppressed*.

My brothers are losing the war.

I can feel their death.

I have been thrown out of Heaven for helping Dean.

I have been killed for that!

Am I soulless?

How dared he to call me like that?I saved his soul from the eternal torment!

Sometimes I would grab him and hurl him against the wall, screaming he is a damned ungrateful!

Does he feel guilty for what Alastair forced him to do?

I understand.

But he did not accept his offer because he liked torturing the souls.

He could not do otherwise. He had not powers.

It's not like my story.

I had the power to save souls, but I absolutely could not do it.

Crossing through the flames of hell, fighting demons and other creatures of hell,

I have seen souls who begging me to help them.

I could not.

I could not dare to disobey orders.

They stretched out their hands, begging me to save them.

I walked away, ignoring them, pretending not to see them nor hear them.

I'm an angel of the Lord.

It was in my power drag them out from the hell.

But I could not do it.

Do you know how it feels, Dean?

Powerless.

So when I took you and brought you back to life, I was happy.

One soul, just one.

But I managed to save him.

And I'm still glad I did, but sometimes his words have pierced me.

When Dean called me 'soulless' he meant 'without emotions'.

I've got too many emotions, I always had emotions.

I've always carefully hidden them, to all the garrison.

I've hidden them also to Anna, suppressing what I felt.

I seemed a model soldier.

I lied.

I was already tormented.

To come in this little, horrible world, has just exacerbated my torment.

Soulless?

Oh, I would like.

In this way, I would not suffer, I would not think about what I could say or do and I didn't do.

I would feel not guilty for those souls, I would feel not powerless before the Apocalypse.

If I were a soulless bastard,

I would not that this world survives to the destruction.

I would not feel afflicted, because she continues asking for my help and I cannot find her.

I cannot save her.

* * *

**Notes**_: I would not feel anything, but the more time passes, the more I feel oppressed_: I really don't know if I have used the correct form. Sorry =__=


	16. Gabriel, my brother

I can't believe it, I refuse to believe it.

It must be a nightmare.

I'm asleep and I'm dreaming.

What am I saying?

It's all damn true!

That's how he hid out, that's why no one could find him.

I've found Gabriel, my brother.

The infamous, terrible Trickster is Gabriel.

What a disappointment.

He has tried to kill me.

He, the one I loved most!

I always say "we are all brothers",

"I love them all"

but the truth is that I loved him more than others.

Of the three powerful Archangels,

he was the only one who seemed more interested in us little angels.

Michael, the great soldier always on the front line,

Raphael, intolerant and busy soldier.

Gabriel, strong soldier but .... closer to us.

Closer to me.

He teased me, sometimes, but he loved me.

And I adored him.

Oh Lord .... What a disappointment.

Initially I didn't recognize him, I couldn't imagine who he was.

But when I looked in his eyes, I met my brother's look.

I felt as if something had broken in my chest.

Dismay, pain, disappointment.

Gabriel slammed me into a wall,

if I were a human I would die to instant.

Killed by my brother Gabriel.

The Archangel.

And not for the same reason why Raphael made me into small pieces.

Gabriel wanted to prevent me from telling the truth to the Winchesters.

Why did he do this to me?

The superiors usually don't call us "brothers".

He called me "little brother."

That's why I always understood Dean and Sam,

their bond, their love.

That's why I trembled at the thought that they could kill each other:

I had a special brother.

Then one day he disappeared, nobody knew anything.

But Gabriel wasn't just an angel, and nobody dared to investigate.

That's where he was, on Earth.

Incognito.

Escaped from Paradise and hidden here.

He has always been here.

I am a poor fool.

When I found myself back on Earth after that Raphael had killed me,

I pondered deeply on who had been to bring me back to life.

God, of course.

But if wasn't Him...

Yes, I secretly thought that had been Gabriel.

I thought that wherever he was,

he had taken pity on me,

and he had resuscitated me.

It isn't so.

Now I know it hasn't been him.

He would not have treated me that way..

Bringing me back to life and killing me?

No.

It would be like if I would think to kill Dean, impossible.

In his vessel's eyes I have seen anger.

Is he angry with me?

With the World?

With the entire Universe?

I'm sad and depressed.

Now I know how Dean felt

when Sam chose a different path by following that bitch.

Betrayed.

I feel betrayed by the brother I felt more brother than others.

The brother for whom I believed to be a bit more important.

How easy is deceiving me.

I am such a naive.

Or maybe it was me to not wanting to see the truth.

It was too cruel to face it.


	17. I'll die first

**A/N: **Bad translation, I apologize O_o. Spoiler 5x10

* * *

I've met Lucifer.

I've met so many infernal creatures:

demons, monsters, damned.

many things.

But the terror I've felt close to him,

is indescribable.

I've felt trembling my wings

and he has noticed it because in that moment

he has smiled pleased.

Since when I'm in this body, I've experienced many emotions

all different from each other

But it was this body, I mean, to make me feel them.

In front of Lucifer, my Grace has trembled.

It had never happened, not even in very desperate situations.

Not even facing the deepest pain.

I wasn't so scared not even when I went down to Hell

in order to save Dean.

The Prince of Darkness has terrified me,

completely.

Lucifer has terrified both my sides:

human and angelic.

I've felt all the Evil of the Universe.

embodied in that little man who Lucifer has persuaded to be his vessel

while he's waiting to take Sam Winchester.

I've told him I won't let him.

Who, me?

How could I stopping Lucifer?

I'm becoming human, yes.

I say bullshit like humans do.

But I was really shocked,

finding myself face to face with Lucifer himself has been devastating.

If I had to quantify my age as a human,

I could say I'm five thousand years old.

I should never thought of meeting the Devil, never.

But I'm an angel,

maybe I should have think that sooner or later

I would have tackled Lucifer.

But not alone,

not without my powers,

out of my garrison,

without my brothers with whom join my forces against the Evil.

I was alone,

caught in a ring of fire with the Devil who was walking around me.

He wanted me to join him.

He has called me brother, Uriel would have been happy,

but not me.

He's not my brother.

I mean, he is, but not in my heart.

And I will never join him.

He has tried to dissuade me,

gently and calmly.

And this has made me trembling even more.

My wings were twitched as never before.

Usually with the demons,

I open my wings completely to instil fear.

The demons are terrified by angels,

seeing two huge black wings it's terrible for them.

With Lucifer, I haven't managed it.

When I have realized to be in a ring of fire,

I have open my wings as usual, waving them around me.

But when I have recognized the Black Angel

I have closed them immediately.

For the angels, the wings are the most important thing

because they are the symbol of our Grace.

Losing our wings means losing our Grace.

That's why I have reacted like that.

I had disparaging words for him, but I was scared.

I know, probably I'll lose my Grace, my wings.

But not for Lucifer.

I won't surrender to him.

I won't join his army.

I'll die first.

I guess I'll die, but with honor.

I won't be a soldier of the Devil.

I will die, but as a soldier of God


End file.
